How to Convince a Taco Bell Employee to Have Sex With You

Step 1:
CAREFULLY CONSIDER WHAT YOU'RE DOING!
Before you begin, step back, and think about what you're about to do. You're about to approach a Taco Bell employee at her place of work, and while casually ordering food, you're going to successfully convince her to have sex with you. Now, step further back, and think about what kind of prey you're going to be chasing. A hunter wouldn't go after an animal if he didn't know anything about said animal, would he? No. That would make him a very bad hunter.

The thing you must realize is this: by going after a Taco Bell employee, you're not scraping the bottom of the barrel. You're not even shooting fish in a barrel. You're shooting the fish that you've scraped out of the bottom of the barrel, and you're shooting them with fish/barrel-seeking missiles. We in the field have several terms for such an encounter: a "slam dunk", a "bike with training wheels", and an "obvious mistake".

Step 2:
YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!
While ordering from your "quarry", carefully consider which menu items to choose, because your choices will reflect hidden aspects of your personality. If I order from the "fresco" menu, will I appear svelte and health-conscious? If I pick the most expensive item on the menu (the "Southwest Steak Border Bowl"Ò), will I appear fabulously wealthy? These are questions that you need to ask yourself, but questions that you shouldn't ask yourself out loud.

Step 3:
SPEAK HER LANGUAGE, SHAKESPEARE!

They say that Spanish is truly the language of love, and nowhere is this age-old adage more true than in a grimy, poorly-lit franchise restaurant. Here's a list of real-life Taco Bell menu slang that can be used casually as sexual euphemisms: "grilled stuffed burrito", "spicy taco", "double decker" (or "double deck her", if you wish), "1/2 pound", "picante", "volcano taco", "cinnamon sticks" (or "sin-amon sticks", paired with frantic winking), and "white-meat". Feel free to mix and match, and please, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.

Step 4:
ORDER YOUR FOOD, AND ORDER HER, TOO!

While stalking "your prey", it is important to treat her with respect: smile with your eyes, wink with your lips, and let your hips do the talking. But it's also important to remember that she's the employee, you're the customer, and the customer is always right. Don't be afraid to boss her around a bit. Remind her who's boss. Tell her what's what. Give her one for. Give her some lip. Constantly remind her that she works at Taco Bell, and you're the one that's paying her salary with your multiple purchases. If there's two things working broads love, it's patronage, and bossy men who are patronizing.

Step 5:
SEAL THE DEAL!
Finally, in order to "seal the deal", you must be willing and able to pay her for sex. (Hint: items on the Dollar Menu are not the only things that cost a dollar.)

Note: This entry is the first of a 157-part serialized instructional manual entitled "How to be Moderately Successful with Moderately Unimpressive Women", available exclusively through The Gentleman (and Penguin Audiobooks). - The Mgmt

How to Get a Bear Into Space

The above photo has not been doctored. That is the first teddy bear in space, and it's named after me.

I didn't want to give away the secret, and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you all earlier. I've been working with the British Space Programme over the past 8 months on this project, one that will hopefully usher in a new era of spacefaring playthings.

The following site will suggest that this was a mission put on by group of children at Cambridge, which is both a cover up and an attempt to spark youth interest in the failing British Space Programme.

As the details of MontgoCuddle are still the subject of international security I can't give details of it's execution, but I can give you this advice: if you're looking to get something launched, with any extraterrestrial project, now's the time. The reason bears got into space? Oil prices. With crude at $45 a barrel jet fuel is at a price where it's unreasonable not to send everything into outer orbit.

And as an avid reader of The Gentleman* I'd like to give you my connections with the BSPme with any product.

So I leave it to you. What product would you like to see in space within the next 3-6 months?

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*Due to the current flagging economy, The Gentleman's Rules of Living has been shortened to The Gentleman. Note that the title does not refer specifically to any member on staff, but reflect the type of man we hope to mold our readership into. Pardon our dust. ~The Mgmt