Fair Sailing

This weekend I'll be taking to open water once again on my father's catamaran. Failing a concussion by support beam, drowning, or heat stroke, I will give you a full report on gentleman sailing habits in the 21st century on Monday.

But first, a series of tips on getting the most out of your state's fair:

* Do not get the turkey leg. This isn't a Renaissance Festival and the workers won't put the same effort into its preparation. As an alternative, try anything that ends in "Stick" or "Brisket".

* At the petting area, get your feed from a human, not a coin-operated machine. The machine is likely to give you only 8 pellets, which will be a disappointment to both you and the goat.

* The art exhibit can be an excellent use of time if experienced correctly. Challenge your companions to be the first to find: A coyote, a Disney character, a black man laughing, and anything "pensive". The last one to do so must buy the least expensive painting in the hall and hang it in their doorway.

* Ride the Gravitron. This is the one thrill that doesn't involve bars, straps, or clamps to restrict free and easy movement.

* Carnies will always be sad. Do not dwell.

* Despite what fliers, brochures , and presenters will try to tell you, the cheers and applause of children will not cause a monkey to ride a dog any faster, nor any straighter.

* Go on a Wednesday, use the shuttle, and ride the largest ferris wheel with the woman you love.

Admission

I am not Will Arnett.


Despite what I've told my strangers, colleagues, and even my own live-in girlfriend, I am not actor / producer Will Arnett.

I didn't play Devon Banks on 30 Rock, I wasn't Lou Redwood in Semi-Pro, and I won't be lending my voice to Kit in the new Knight Rider.

The blue eyes aren't just contacts, and the recent goatee isn't simply a ploy to lead the media off the trail. I am not Will Arnett.

I am Will Arnett's twin brother.


I'm sorry to all the people I've lied to. I've been able to continue my extravagant lifestyle (the fifth home, the recent purchase of the Phoenix Mercury, the live-in girlfriend) only due to the kindness and generosity of my sibling.



I greatly admire his work and only wanted to be closer to my brother and what he does. I'm not sure he even knew I was telling people I was him. My hope is that being honest sooner than later will be better for everyone, and that this revelation will not affect your opinion of Will, myself, or my writing.

I dedicate this post and all posts on the site to my little bro, Will.

Arizona Proposition 102

In a few weeks we're going to be voting on which we fear less: black people or the elderly.

But we're also going to be asked, while we're there in that decrepit middle school gym, to vote on things that sound pretty important, but not important enough to research. These are called "Propositions", and they're put at the bottom of the ballot.

But I wanted to take your attention to proposition 102, an amendment to the Arizona Constitution to make same sex marriage illegal, even if a federal law or court eventually rules otherwise.

Now, this blog is not designed to tell you how to vote (yet), but with all the misleading billboards, attack ads, and and TV spots one of the fundamental issues of this bill has been overshadowed. Whether this is intentional or simply an oversight I'll leave to you, but I think it's important that every Arizonan voter knows the following:

Voting No on Prop 102 makes you gay.


Proponents of this legislation added a clause into the bill which states:
"to vote against a ban on same sex marriage is to imply that the voter (the homovoter) is totally queer and must begin openly gay and gay-like activities immediately."

Know the facts and make an educated vote.

How To Successfully Convince Your Accountant That Buying A Gold Chainsaw Is a Prudent Business Decision

Um, it's made out of fucking gold, okay?

This is an investment, Josh. Gold only goes up in value! When the market collapses, paper money will be rendered useless, and will be burned and and eaten and used by birds to build bird's nests. But not my gold chainsaw, okay? That bad boy's going to pay for itself. In spades.

Also, it's fucking intimidating. I mean, picture this, okay? I walk into the Nakatomi boardroom in front of all the investors, and they're all ready to try to lowball me with liquid assets and stock buyouts, and I just slam my gold chainsaw down on the table right in front of them. Bing bang boom, negotiations finished, thanks to my new gold chainsaw!

Okay, look, you don't get it, Josh. You don't fucking get it! I mean, yeah, okay, you claim that "the gold chainsaw costs one-hundred and thirty thousand dollars", and "gold is such a soft metal, it wouldn't be practical to build a chainsaw out of", and "a chainsaw made out of solid gold would be too heavy to lift up". Well guess what, Josh? I've been doing push-ups all week long in my office, and my delts and lats are fucking ripped, so I think I'm pretty capable of lifting up a chainsaw made of solid gold, okayyy?!

Plus, I mean, just follow me on this, but a gold chainsaw would get you so much pussy.

Also, you could use it to cut down a tree.

Yeah, I did do a few lines of coke tonight. Why?

Horses: Nature's Secret

The above title of this post was recently rejected as a title for this community blog, a motion that has left thousands of Americans demanding answers. Just what are they (the two other people I made this blog with) trying to hide?



This is a recording of an actual conversation I had with Mat ...

MAT: Hey, I'm thinking about making a blog with you and Brian. I just need a good name for a title.
TYLER: Oh, I've got a pretty good one. One that challenges the so called 'truth' established by 'society'.
MAT: I don't know if I like where this is going.
TYLER: Horses: Nature's Secret.
MAT: I don't understand that at all. Why are horses nature's secret?
TYLER: Think about it. Horses eat hay. They have four legs. They're beautiful and nice to pet. They gallop and jump fences. OR SO WE'VE BEEN LEAD TO BELIEVE. Are these merely the parameters the liberal controlled media has established in order to hide the real facts about horses? Are there secrets about horses maybe they don't want us to know?
MAT: I don't think this is a good idea. We'd be -- tapping into something ... something very dangerous.
TYLER: Be the whistle blower, Mat. Be a revolutionary.
MAT: If they found out about what we're doing here, they'd --
TYLER: Wait a minute. You know something! What are the horses hiding, Mat? God dammit, what are horse secrets?!
MAT: I have to go.

It can certainly be assumed that when the general audience of America gets their hands on horse secrets, they'll have a hay day.

Top Hats

This may be remedial for some of our readers (when said readership begins to form) but beginning with the basics seemed like the best way to ease into the unfamiliar writing territory of advice.

Wear top hats.



I know. Next I'll be telling you to brush regularly and be wary of expired foodstuffs. But the closer I look at coworkers, family, and members of our political system the more I realize that people no longer wear their top hats on a regular basis. And this isn't just the unsavory element of our society, even athletes and vagrants aren't immune to the apathy enveloping this nation. And don't get me started with those detestable bowler hats, gentlemen it's not a matter of taste, it's a matter of pride in your humanity. It's like we've forgotten why we began wearing them in the first place.

It's a simple thing you can do, especially in times of dire economic crisis, to brighten up your day and the day of those around you. Don't feel that you need to don a beaver-skinned top hat to please some elitist fashionista, leather or felt are just as acceptable and frankly more durable. The effect of the hat is ruined if it's wearer is constantly concerned for it's well-being.

For example, soon I will be celebrating (along with a good friend and collegiate peer) our collective birthdays, and I've convinced all our partygoers to wear only the most inexpensive, utilitarian top hats in order to create an equal event, inclusive to those of all means. Monocles optional. And see? All the pomp and stuffiness unfairly associated with the top hat has been fully addressed.

Don't let another vestage of Our America fall by the wayside. Wear top hats today and everyday.

Resuming normal service.

Apologies for the delay.