Oh hey Blogspot

This morning I received another comment alert from HOT GARBAGE! a blog by Brian Street from 2009. The alert reads like most messages I've received over the past 5 years:

Anonymous has left a new comment on the post "JOURNAL WITHIN A JOURNAL": 

It is a next guide with regard to Rufkin exactly who in addition published, Identified Pet dogs: Testimonies regarding Strays Which Stumbled on the Toes in addition to Next Odds: A lot more Testimonies regarding Located Pets. [url=http://www.lameziafiere.it/]abercrombie e fitch[/url]...

But it's good to catch up with 2009 Brian Street. It reminds me of 100 sketches in 100 days, the exodus to Chicago, and The Gentleman. Glad I checked it, I was able to make some edits that clicks this blog over to "harmless reminiscence", down from "civil offense". Thankfully Google bought Blogspot at some point, and after signing in through Gmail the first thing the interface asked me to do was write a new post. So here.

Also, there's no a tricking a robot, Ty. You let the robot think they're tricking you. 

How to trick robots into giving you oral sex

I've been getting a lot of emails about this. Last Tuesday when my inbox was flooded with messages containing the subject line, "How can I trick this robot into going ..." (I had to open the file for the full subject line "How can I trick this robot into going down on me?"), I finally decided to address the subject head on. Let me be the first to tell you: tricking the machines into performing fellatio or cunnilingus is a high-risk/high-reward activity. Before we get started, there's a few important things to remember ...

- Never openly ask robots for oral sex. Always trick them. - Robots that function off lithium batteries will often need to be charged during the course of oral sex. - Robots with Intel Pentium processors 2.0 or earlier will need to wear sunglasses during the course of oral sex as their eyes emit flashing red lights that are damaging to humans.

1) Step 1: Tell the robot you need something fixed.

All robots will jump at the chance to repair things. Garage doors. Water coolers. Air conditioners. You name it. Repairing things is what gives a robot a sense of purpose. Wait until the robot takes out it's tools from it's body before you take out the tool from your body. Or your vagina.

Men's lifestyle blog.

How to Convince a Taco Bell Employee to Have Sex With You

Step 1:
CAREFULLY CONSIDER WHAT YOU'RE DOING!
Before you begin, step back, and think about what you're about to do. You're about to approach a Taco Bell employee at her place of work, and while casually ordering food, you're going to successfully convince her to have sex with you. Now, step further back, and think about what kind of prey you're going to be chasing. A hunter wouldn't go after an animal if he didn't know anything about said animal, would he? No. That would make him a very bad hunter.

The thing you must realize is this: by going after a Taco Bell employee, you're not scraping the bottom of the barrel. You're not even shooting fish in a barrel. You're shooting the fish that you've scraped out of the bottom of the barrel, and you're shooting them with fish/barrel-seeking missiles. We in the field have several terms for such an encounter: a "slam dunk", a "bike with training wheels", and an "obvious mistake".

Step 2:
YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!
While ordering from your "quarry", carefully consider which menu items to choose, because your choices will reflect hidden aspects of your personality. If I order from the "fresco" menu, will I appear svelte and health-conscious? If I pick the most expensive item on the menu (the "Southwest Steak Border Bowl"Ò), will I appear fabulously wealthy? These are questions that you need to ask yourself, but questions that you shouldn't ask yourself out loud.

Step 3:
SPEAK HER LANGUAGE, SHAKESPEARE!

They say that Spanish is truly the language of love, and nowhere is this age-old adage more true than in a grimy, poorly-lit franchise restaurant. Here's a list of real-life Taco Bell menu slang that can be used casually as sexual euphemisms: "grilled stuffed burrito", "spicy taco", "double decker" (or "double deck her", if you wish), "1/2 pound", "picante", "volcano taco", "cinnamon sticks" (or "sin-amon sticks", paired with frantic winking), and "white-meat". Feel free to mix and match, and please, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.

Step 4:
ORDER YOUR FOOD, AND ORDER HER, TOO!

While stalking "your prey", it is important to treat her with respect: smile with your eyes, wink with your lips, and let your hips do the talking. But it's also important to remember that she's the employee, you're the customer, and the customer is always right. Don't be afraid to boss her around a bit. Remind her who's boss. Tell her what's what. Give her one for. Give her some lip. Constantly remind her that she works at Taco Bell, and you're the one that's paying her salary with your multiple purchases. If there's two things working broads love, it's patronage, and bossy men who are patronizing.

Step 5:
SEAL THE DEAL!
Finally, in order to "seal the deal", you must be willing and able to pay her for sex. (Hint: items on the Dollar Menu are not the only things that cost a dollar.)

Note: This entry is the first of a 157-part serialized instructional manual entitled "How to be Moderately Successful with Moderately Unimpressive Women", available exclusively through The Gentleman (and Penguin Audiobooks). - The Mgmt

How to Get a Bear Into Space

The above photo has not been doctored. That is the first teddy bear in space, and it's named after me.

I didn't want to give away the secret, and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you all earlier. I've been working with the British Space Programme over the past 8 months on this project, one that will hopefully usher in a new era of spacefaring playthings.

The following site will suggest that this was a mission put on by group of children at Cambridge, which is both a cover up and an attempt to spark youth interest in the failing British Space Programme.

As the details of MontgoCuddle are still the subject of international security I can't give details of it's execution, but I can give you this advice: if you're looking to get something launched, with any extraterrestrial project, now's the time. The reason bears got into space? Oil prices. With crude at $45 a barrel jet fuel is at a price where it's unreasonable not to send everything into outer orbit.

And as an avid reader of The Gentleman* I'd like to give you my connections with the BSPme with any product.

So I leave it to you. What product would you like to see in space within the next 3-6 months?

------
*Due to the current flagging economy, The Gentleman's Rules of Living has been shortened to The Gentleman. Note that the title does not refer specifically to any member on staff, but reflect the type of man we hope to mold our readership into. Pardon our dust. ~The Mgmt

How to Survive as a Television Producer in a Post-Reality Landscape

If you're an Executive Producer today you may feel compromised: your no-actor shaky-cam product-laden wündershow about seventeen average Americans locked in a home in Fiji renovated by Gordon Ramsy, forced to sing one by one in a sealed booth filled with increasingly poisonous arachnids (voted both in and out of the booth by popular text voting) while Tyra Banks races Paris Hilton to subsequently gain then lose 40 pounds in order to marry Flavor Falv and take a honeymoon catching Alaskan king crab for the chance to win $1500 probably isn't getting the kind of ratings you would hope for.

The intelligent businessman knows that in the time of recession the first thing one must do is simplify. Now you may ask, "What's more simple then watching gladiators beat the shit out of each other?" While I don't appreciate your tone, I have stumbled across a show recently on the SciFi channel and while it's not without its flaws and it may not stand the test of time I believe it's a demonstration on what the hot young executive should be keeping his or her eye out for:


What can you tell from this promotional wallpaper, and why this show has the essentials to be a winner:

*One word title
*Modern setting, buildings, glass
*Long sleeved, tight collared androgynhost
*Dollar sign in the title

I can't stress this last point enough. A dollar sign in the title shows that you, unlike most reality programing, reward participants with cash prizes.

Now that they've sucked in the viewer (and I'm sure it may have piqued the curiosity of some of our readers, as well) here's the meat of the show, the premise, and what will keep people tuned in week after week:

*Tag

See that? That's it. That's all it is. Allow me to put that into another bulleted list for emphasis:

*Tag

Simplify. Tag is universal. Tag is simple. Tag is exciting to play, and can be just as exciting to watch with a few simple additions, as demonstrated in the series premiere:


8 Variations on Agent Smith


Arguably the most important addition, the men and women in suits and sunglasses give the viewer the subliminal understanding that "being tagged" would essentially equate to death, or worse, being assimilated into a mechanical nightmare machine designed to enslave humanity (Note: the first episode showed neither of these outcomes, but this is simply an example of showing your hand one card at a time. Be prepared for a wicked sweeps week)


Gadgets

The taggies or "Runners" are given a series of tools to thwart their taggers ("Hunters"), including a wii-mote painted gold which has been tuned to reverse the internal compass of the opponent, forcing him to reverse direction, or the sonic emitter that inhibits muscle movement to the point of complete petrification. The assumption here is that the Hunters are simply humans playing by the rules, but a keen eyed viewer can see the cybernetic *click* associated with involuntary android response each time one of these gadgets is activated. Take heed: if the SciFi channel has found a cheap and effective solution to artificial AI, it's time to use your executive connections to see who else is on the path towards a similar breakthrough. Get to know your people in R&D, they can be your best friends when money's scarce.


Abandoned Marina

The entire playing field for the game included 3 warehouses, a handful of docks, and a ferry boat. I couldn't get my contacts at SciFi or NBC Universal to divulge exactly how much that space cost, but I could take an educated guess: $0. No fancy upscale New York lofts, no multi-million dollar sound stage, no flights to Uganda. Just you, the cameras, and rusted metal shingles. Brilliant. In fact I defy any of you to think of a show that wouldn't work just as well, if not better, in an abandoned marina.


If you though cutting actors and writers was enough to make your program, you're still in a 2007 mindset. This is reality on a budget. All aboard the Profitrain, express commute to the future.

How to Get Into Barack Obama's Administration

We have a new president,


and he's hiring.

Don't be discouraged if you hear some of the big ticket positions are already taken. Chief of Staff, Secretary of State, those aren't positions you wanted to fill anyway. You're going to want something with security, something not so close to the spotlight so that if the blame game begins people aren't looking at you.

At the same time don't sell yourself short. Secretary of the Interior can be a very rewarding position for the young go-getter, and being Assistant to the President for Technology Policy would mean you could set admin privileges to allow Twitter and other important communication devices to better productivity.

Of course, there's always the brass ring: Secretary of Agriculture


Though technically appointed by the senate, this position is always vetted by the President. Why is it so valued? Because you have the safest job in the world.

Though you'll spend most of your time either convincing rural America they're "real" and making your way through the Scrubs boxset, you'll do so with 24 security, a bullet proof car, and the keys to the bunker.

You're 9th in the line of Presidential Succession, and your job is to breathe for 4-8 years.

There will be plenty of competition for the pinnacle of slacker jobs, but if you can

*Prove your love of farms and farming
*Appreciate subsidies
*Demonstrate a sufficient level of moxie

you've got a fighting chance.


Worst case scenario, you can always become the Director of the National Science Foundation. You'll have to put up with eggheads all day, but at least you'll meet Neil deGrasse Tyson. He seems decent.




Good luck, and happy hunting.

Scavange! Article 1

With the election, the rising conflict in the Congo, and Quantum of Solace dropping November 14th,


it's easy to forget that economy is about to die.

This comes as a crushing blow to me, a self-titled free market economist, that the very foundations of western society are about to shrivel and ash like so many home deeds burned in an oil drum for what little warmth they provide.

On behalf of all laissez faire proponents who got you in to this global shitfest: Our Bad.

As further apology, allow me to tell you which institutions will be collapsing first, and how you can pick the bones clean of the once proud and noble beast we called civilization.

Article 1: Circuit City

Beginning tomorrow Circuit City will be leveling 151 of its outlets to make way for dollar stores and bankruptcy courts. That means that all their shineys will be available for what they're worth as opposed to what they usually charge.

Electronic devices will be of the utmost importance when the states devolve into a crude barter system where lives are cheap and the only law is the one you take into your own hands. A 61" LCD television with 1080p resolution will buy your rent and protection for a year in the remnants of Queen Creek, and an Xbox 360 Elite just might bag you a cow.

Remember, your money will mean nothing to the future American horrorscape, so stock up on worthless trinkets and gizmos now in order to provide for your family or commune.

---

Note: To those anticipating my lessons in sailing, the only vehicle capable of towing the ship stopped working in a most spectacular and noteworthy way (starter motor died). My father and I spent the morning drinking tea and discussing the family.