How to Survive as a Television Producer in a Post-Reality Landscape

If you're an Executive Producer today you may feel compromised: your no-actor shaky-cam product-laden wündershow about seventeen average Americans locked in a home in Fiji renovated by Gordon Ramsy, forced to sing one by one in a sealed booth filled with increasingly poisonous arachnids (voted both in and out of the booth by popular text voting) while Tyra Banks races Paris Hilton to subsequently gain then lose 40 pounds in order to marry Flavor Falv and take a honeymoon catching Alaskan king crab for the chance to win $1500 probably isn't getting the kind of ratings you would hope for.

The intelligent businessman knows that in the time of recession the first thing one must do is simplify. Now you may ask, "What's more simple then watching gladiators beat the shit out of each other?" While I don't appreciate your tone, I have stumbled across a show recently on the SciFi channel and while it's not without its flaws and it may not stand the test of time I believe it's a demonstration on what the hot young executive should be keeping his or her eye out for:


What can you tell from this promotional wallpaper, and why this show has the essentials to be a winner:

*One word title
*Modern setting, buildings, glass
*Long sleeved, tight collared androgynhost
*Dollar sign in the title

I can't stress this last point enough. A dollar sign in the title shows that you, unlike most reality programing, reward participants with cash prizes.

Now that they've sucked in the viewer (and I'm sure it may have piqued the curiosity of some of our readers, as well) here's the meat of the show, the premise, and what will keep people tuned in week after week:

*Tag

See that? That's it. That's all it is. Allow me to put that into another bulleted list for emphasis:

*Tag

Simplify. Tag is universal. Tag is simple. Tag is exciting to play, and can be just as exciting to watch with a few simple additions, as demonstrated in the series premiere:


8 Variations on Agent Smith


Arguably the most important addition, the men and women in suits and sunglasses give the viewer the subliminal understanding that "being tagged" would essentially equate to death, or worse, being assimilated into a mechanical nightmare machine designed to enslave humanity (Note: the first episode showed neither of these outcomes, but this is simply an example of showing your hand one card at a time. Be prepared for a wicked sweeps week)


Gadgets

The taggies or "Runners" are given a series of tools to thwart their taggers ("Hunters"), including a wii-mote painted gold which has been tuned to reverse the internal compass of the opponent, forcing him to reverse direction, or the sonic emitter that inhibits muscle movement to the point of complete petrification. The assumption here is that the Hunters are simply humans playing by the rules, but a keen eyed viewer can see the cybernetic *click* associated with involuntary android response each time one of these gadgets is activated. Take heed: if the SciFi channel has found a cheap and effective solution to artificial AI, it's time to use your executive connections to see who else is on the path towards a similar breakthrough. Get to know your people in R&D, they can be your best friends when money's scarce.


Abandoned Marina

The entire playing field for the game included 3 warehouses, a handful of docks, and a ferry boat. I couldn't get my contacts at SciFi or NBC Universal to divulge exactly how much that space cost, but I could take an educated guess: $0. No fancy upscale New York lofts, no multi-million dollar sound stage, no flights to Uganda. Just you, the cameras, and rusted metal shingles. Brilliant. In fact I defy any of you to think of a show that wouldn't work just as well, if not better, in an abandoned marina.


If you though cutting actors and writers was enough to make your program, you're still in a 2007 mindset. This is reality on a budget. All aboard the Profitrain, express commute to the future.

How to Get Into Barack Obama's Administration

We have a new president,


and he's hiring.

Don't be discouraged if you hear some of the big ticket positions are already taken. Chief of Staff, Secretary of State, those aren't positions you wanted to fill anyway. You're going to want something with security, something not so close to the spotlight so that if the blame game begins people aren't looking at you.

At the same time don't sell yourself short. Secretary of the Interior can be a very rewarding position for the young go-getter, and being Assistant to the President for Technology Policy would mean you could set admin privileges to allow Twitter and other important communication devices to better productivity.

Of course, there's always the brass ring: Secretary of Agriculture


Though technically appointed by the senate, this position is always vetted by the President. Why is it so valued? Because you have the safest job in the world.

Though you'll spend most of your time either convincing rural America they're "real" and making your way through the Scrubs boxset, you'll do so with 24 security, a bullet proof car, and the keys to the bunker.

You're 9th in the line of Presidential Succession, and your job is to breathe for 4-8 years.

There will be plenty of competition for the pinnacle of slacker jobs, but if you can

*Prove your love of farms and farming
*Appreciate subsidies
*Demonstrate a sufficient level of moxie

you've got a fighting chance.


Worst case scenario, you can always become the Director of the National Science Foundation. You'll have to put up with eggheads all day, but at least you'll meet Neil deGrasse Tyson. He seems decent.




Good luck, and happy hunting.

Scavange! Article 1

With the election, the rising conflict in the Congo, and Quantum of Solace dropping November 14th,


it's easy to forget that economy is about to die.

This comes as a crushing blow to me, a self-titled free market economist, that the very foundations of western society are about to shrivel and ash like so many home deeds burned in an oil drum for what little warmth they provide.

On behalf of all laissez faire proponents who got you in to this global shitfest: Our Bad.

As further apology, allow me to tell you which institutions will be collapsing first, and how you can pick the bones clean of the once proud and noble beast we called civilization.

Article 1: Circuit City

Beginning tomorrow Circuit City will be leveling 151 of its outlets to make way for dollar stores and bankruptcy courts. That means that all their shineys will be available for what they're worth as opposed to what they usually charge.

Electronic devices will be of the utmost importance when the states devolve into a crude barter system where lives are cheap and the only law is the one you take into your own hands. A 61" LCD television with 1080p resolution will buy your rent and protection for a year in the remnants of Queen Creek, and an Xbox 360 Elite just might bag you a cow.

Remember, your money will mean nothing to the future American horrorscape, so stock up on worthless trinkets and gizmos now in order to provide for your family or commune.

---

Note: To those anticipating my lessons in sailing, the only vehicle capable of towing the ship stopped working in a most spectacular and noteworthy way (starter motor died). My father and I spent the morning drinking tea and discussing the family.

How To Appear Attractive, part 1

You haven't figured out how to be attractive yet. In fact, you're probably fumbling around in your closet right now looking for that striped collar shirt before you paint the town red tonight. Stop what you're doing, and take your computer out of your closet. Appearing attractive is simple.

Take pictures of yourself and put them on Facebook. Not just a few, but hundreds. Thousands. What many people don't realize is that your physical appeal is solely based off how many photos have been tagged of you on the popular social networking site Facebook. Think about it. Would anyone bother to tag photos of themselves if they were ugly? Keep dreaming. Would anyone bother to take pictures with ugly people in them? No way!

Here's a hypothetical for you. You're on your favorite social networking website, Facebook.com, a place that helps you connect and share with people in your life. Your favorite peer to peer network Facebook.com; it's free and anyone can join. You're Facebook chatting with one of your friends, a feature unique to Facebook.com, and in the midst of this symposium you check out his profile. The memories provided to you by Facebook start flooding. You guys grew up together and lost touch somewhere around high school but still have a certain level of respect for each other. You felt up that girl with the flat acne-ridden chest at his house one night in July when his parents went to Tahoe for the weekend. It is only because of this friend that you made the transition from boy to man. All of a sudden you notice an attractive girl has written something funny on his wall. Right away you can tell you share the same sense of humor at her, and she looks stunning in her profile picture. You want to get to know her. You want to be friends with this girl. You click over to her profile and discover this girl only has 38 photos tagged of her. Thus, you incidentally discover the ugliest woman on Facebook.

The physical appeal you exhibit falls into the basic photo tag tier system, created by a scientist. It looks a little something like this.

50 or less photo tags - Stealing all the precious oxygen tier.



If you have less than 50 photos tagged of you they sell guns in more places than you'd think. Wal-Mart. Bass Pro Shop. Even tool stores. Do the rest of the world a favor and kill yourself, please!

50 through 100 photo tags - Stupid faggot in glasses tier.



Seriously. You probably masturbate about 9-10 times a week in your parents house. I only masturbate about eight times a week in my parent's house. If you spent a little more time getting tagged in photos and a little less time rubbing that dick of yours you could really be somebody.

101 through 1000 photo tags - Worth bothering to get to know you tier.



This level is the first level of being worthwhile. People enjoy conversing with anyone from this level despite of their own level because this level is neither imposing or too ugly for words. This level is also totally available and looking for random play, friendship, whatever they can get. Knowing this, it is within your best interest to return anyone from this tier's phone calls. Please.

1001 or more photo tags - Matt Damon.