How to Convince a Taco Bell Employee to Have Sex With You

Step 1:
CAREFULLY CONSIDER WHAT YOU'RE DOING!
Before you begin, step back, and think about what you're about to do. You're about to approach a Taco Bell employee at her place of work, and while casually ordering food, you're going to successfully convince her to have sex with you. Now, step further back, and think about what kind of prey you're going to be chasing. A hunter wouldn't go after an animal if he didn't know anything about said animal, would he? No. That would make him a very bad hunter.

The thing you must realize is this: by going after a Taco Bell employee, you're not scraping the bottom of the barrel. You're not even shooting fish in a barrel. You're shooting the fish that you've scraped out of the bottom of the barrel, and you're shooting them with fish/barrel-seeking missiles. We in the field have several terms for such an encounter: a "slam dunk", a "bike with training wheels", and an "obvious mistake".

Step 2:
YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!
While ordering from your "quarry", carefully consider which menu items to choose, because your choices will reflect hidden aspects of your personality. If I order from the "fresco" menu, will I appear svelte and health-conscious? If I pick the most expensive item on the menu (the "Southwest Steak Border Bowl"Ò), will I appear fabulously wealthy? These are questions that you need to ask yourself, but questions that you shouldn't ask yourself out loud.

Step 3:
SPEAK HER LANGUAGE, SHAKESPEARE!

They say that Spanish is truly the language of love, and nowhere is this age-old adage more true than in a grimy, poorly-lit franchise restaurant. Here's a list of real-life Taco Bell menu slang that can be used casually as sexual euphemisms: "grilled stuffed burrito", "spicy taco", "double decker" (or "double deck her", if you wish), "1/2 pound", "picante", "volcano taco", "cinnamon sticks" (or "sin-amon sticks", paired with frantic winking), and "white-meat". Feel free to mix and match, and please, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.

Step 4:
ORDER YOUR FOOD, AND ORDER HER, TOO!

While stalking "your prey", it is important to treat her with respect: smile with your eyes, wink with your lips, and let your hips do the talking. But it's also important to remember that she's the employee, you're the customer, and the customer is always right. Don't be afraid to boss her around a bit. Remind her who's boss. Tell her what's what. Give her one for. Give her some lip. Constantly remind her that she works at Taco Bell, and you're the one that's paying her salary with your multiple purchases. If there's two things working broads love, it's patronage, and bossy men who are patronizing.

Step 5:
SEAL THE DEAL!
Finally, in order to "seal the deal", you must be willing and able to pay her for sex. (Hint: items on the Dollar Menu are not the only things that cost a dollar.)

Note: This entry is the first of a 157-part serialized instructional manual entitled "How to be Moderately Successful with Moderately Unimpressive Women", available exclusively through The Gentleman (and Penguin Audiobooks). - The Mgmt

How to Get a Bear Into Space

The above photo has not been doctored. That is the first teddy bear in space, and it's named after me.

I didn't want to give away the secret, and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you all earlier. I've been working with the British Space Programme over the past 8 months on this project, one that will hopefully usher in a new era of spacefaring playthings.

The following site will suggest that this was a mission put on by group of children at Cambridge, which is both a cover up and an attempt to spark youth interest in the failing British Space Programme.

As the details of MontgoCuddle are still the subject of international security I can't give details of it's execution, but I can give you this advice: if you're looking to get something launched, with any extraterrestrial project, now's the time. The reason bears got into space? Oil prices. With crude at $45 a barrel jet fuel is at a price where it's unreasonable not to send everything into outer orbit.

And as an avid reader of The Gentleman* I'd like to give you my connections with the BSPme with any product.

So I leave it to you. What product would you like to see in space within the next 3-6 months?

------
*Due to the current flagging economy, The Gentleman's Rules of Living has been shortened to The Gentleman. Note that the title does not refer specifically to any member on staff, but reflect the type of man we hope to mold our readership into. Pardon our dust. ~The Mgmt

How to Survive as a Television Producer in a Post-Reality Landscape

If you're an Executive Producer today you may feel compromised: your no-actor shaky-cam product-laden wündershow about seventeen average Americans locked in a home in Fiji renovated by Gordon Ramsy, forced to sing one by one in a sealed booth filled with increasingly poisonous arachnids (voted both in and out of the booth by popular text voting) while Tyra Banks races Paris Hilton to subsequently gain then lose 40 pounds in order to marry Flavor Falv and take a honeymoon catching Alaskan king crab for the chance to win $1500 probably isn't getting the kind of ratings you would hope for.

The intelligent businessman knows that in the time of recession the first thing one must do is simplify. Now you may ask, "What's more simple then watching gladiators beat the shit out of each other?" While I don't appreciate your tone, I have stumbled across a show recently on the SciFi channel and while it's not without its flaws and it may not stand the test of time I believe it's a demonstration on what the hot young executive should be keeping his or her eye out for:


What can you tell from this promotional wallpaper, and why this show has the essentials to be a winner:

*One word title
*Modern setting, buildings, glass
*Long sleeved, tight collared androgynhost
*Dollar sign in the title

I can't stress this last point enough. A dollar sign in the title shows that you, unlike most reality programing, reward participants with cash prizes.

Now that they've sucked in the viewer (and I'm sure it may have piqued the curiosity of some of our readers, as well) here's the meat of the show, the premise, and what will keep people tuned in week after week:

*Tag

See that? That's it. That's all it is. Allow me to put that into another bulleted list for emphasis:

*Tag

Simplify. Tag is universal. Tag is simple. Tag is exciting to play, and can be just as exciting to watch with a few simple additions, as demonstrated in the series premiere:


8 Variations on Agent Smith


Arguably the most important addition, the men and women in suits and sunglasses give the viewer the subliminal understanding that "being tagged" would essentially equate to death, or worse, being assimilated into a mechanical nightmare machine designed to enslave humanity (Note: the first episode showed neither of these outcomes, but this is simply an example of showing your hand one card at a time. Be prepared for a wicked sweeps week)


Gadgets

The taggies or "Runners" are given a series of tools to thwart their taggers ("Hunters"), including a wii-mote painted gold which has been tuned to reverse the internal compass of the opponent, forcing him to reverse direction, or the sonic emitter that inhibits muscle movement to the point of complete petrification. The assumption here is that the Hunters are simply humans playing by the rules, but a keen eyed viewer can see the cybernetic *click* associated with involuntary android response each time one of these gadgets is activated. Take heed: if the SciFi channel has found a cheap and effective solution to artificial AI, it's time to use your executive connections to see who else is on the path towards a similar breakthrough. Get to know your people in R&D, they can be your best friends when money's scarce.


Abandoned Marina

The entire playing field for the game included 3 warehouses, a handful of docks, and a ferry boat. I couldn't get my contacts at SciFi or NBC Universal to divulge exactly how much that space cost, but I could take an educated guess: $0. No fancy upscale New York lofts, no multi-million dollar sound stage, no flights to Uganda. Just you, the cameras, and rusted metal shingles. Brilliant. In fact I defy any of you to think of a show that wouldn't work just as well, if not better, in an abandoned marina.


If you though cutting actors and writers was enough to make your program, you're still in a 2007 mindset. This is reality on a budget. All aboard the Profitrain, express commute to the future.

How to Get Into Barack Obama's Administration

We have a new president,


and he's hiring.

Don't be discouraged if you hear some of the big ticket positions are already taken. Chief of Staff, Secretary of State, those aren't positions you wanted to fill anyway. You're going to want something with security, something not so close to the spotlight so that if the blame game begins people aren't looking at you.

At the same time don't sell yourself short. Secretary of the Interior can be a very rewarding position for the young go-getter, and being Assistant to the President for Technology Policy would mean you could set admin privileges to allow Twitter and other important communication devices to better productivity.

Of course, there's always the brass ring: Secretary of Agriculture


Though technically appointed by the senate, this position is always vetted by the President. Why is it so valued? Because you have the safest job in the world.

Though you'll spend most of your time either convincing rural America they're "real" and making your way through the Scrubs boxset, you'll do so with 24 security, a bullet proof car, and the keys to the bunker.

You're 9th in the line of Presidential Succession, and your job is to breathe for 4-8 years.

There will be plenty of competition for the pinnacle of slacker jobs, but if you can

*Prove your love of farms and farming
*Appreciate subsidies
*Demonstrate a sufficient level of moxie

you've got a fighting chance.


Worst case scenario, you can always become the Director of the National Science Foundation. You'll have to put up with eggheads all day, but at least you'll meet Neil deGrasse Tyson. He seems decent.




Good luck, and happy hunting.

Scavange! Article 1

With the election, the rising conflict in the Congo, and Quantum of Solace dropping November 14th,


it's easy to forget that economy is about to die.

This comes as a crushing blow to me, a self-titled free market economist, that the very foundations of western society are about to shrivel and ash like so many home deeds burned in an oil drum for what little warmth they provide.

On behalf of all laissez faire proponents who got you in to this global shitfest: Our Bad.

As further apology, allow me to tell you which institutions will be collapsing first, and how you can pick the bones clean of the once proud and noble beast we called civilization.

Article 1: Circuit City

Beginning tomorrow Circuit City will be leveling 151 of its outlets to make way for dollar stores and bankruptcy courts. That means that all their shineys will be available for what they're worth as opposed to what they usually charge.

Electronic devices will be of the utmost importance when the states devolve into a crude barter system where lives are cheap and the only law is the one you take into your own hands. A 61" LCD television with 1080p resolution will buy your rent and protection for a year in the remnants of Queen Creek, and an Xbox 360 Elite just might bag you a cow.

Remember, your money will mean nothing to the future American horrorscape, so stock up on worthless trinkets and gizmos now in order to provide for your family or commune.

---

Note: To those anticipating my lessons in sailing, the only vehicle capable of towing the ship stopped working in a most spectacular and noteworthy way (starter motor died). My father and I spent the morning drinking tea and discussing the family.

How To Appear Attractive, part 1

You haven't figured out how to be attractive yet. In fact, you're probably fumbling around in your closet right now looking for that striped collar shirt before you paint the town red tonight. Stop what you're doing, and take your computer out of your closet. Appearing attractive is simple.

Take pictures of yourself and put them on Facebook. Not just a few, but hundreds. Thousands. What many people don't realize is that your physical appeal is solely based off how many photos have been tagged of you on the popular social networking site Facebook. Think about it. Would anyone bother to tag photos of themselves if they were ugly? Keep dreaming. Would anyone bother to take pictures with ugly people in them? No way!

Here's a hypothetical for you. You're on your favorite social networking website, Facebook.com, a place that helps you connect and share with people in your life. Your favorite peer to peer network Facebook.com; it's free and anyone can join. You're Facebook chatting with one of your friends, a feature unique to Facebook.com, and in the midst of this symposium you check out his profile. The memories provided to you by Facebook start flooding. You guys grew up together and lost touch somewhere around high school but still have a certain level of respect for each other. You felt up that girl with the flat acne-ridden chest at his house one night in July when his parents went to Tahoe for the weekend. It is only because of this friend that you made the transition from boy to man. All of a sudden you notice an attractive girl has written something funny on his wall. Right away you can tell you share the same sense of humor at her, and she looks stunning in her profile picture. You want to get to know her. You want to be friends with this girl. You click over to her profile and discover this girl only has 38 photos tagged of her. Thus, you incidentally discover the ugliest woman on Facebook.

The physical appeal you exhibit falls into the basic photo tag tier system, created by a scientist. It looks a little something like this.

50 or less photo tags - Stealing all the precious oxygen tier.



If you have less than 50 photos tagged of you they sell guns in more places than you'd think. Wal-Mart. Bass Pro Shop. Even tool stores. Do the rest of the world a favor and kill yourself, please!

50 through 100 photo tags - Stupid faggot in glasses tier.



Seriously. You probably masturbate about 9-10 times a week in your parents house. I only masturbate about eight times a week in my parent's house. If you spent a little more time getting tagged in photos and a little less time rubbing that dick of yours you could really be somebody.

101 through 1000 photo tags - Worth bothering to get to know you tier.



This level is the first level of being worthwhile. People enjoy conversing with anyone from this level despite of their own level because this level is neither imposing or too ugly for words. This level is also totally available and looking for random play, friendship, whatever they can get. Knowing this, it is within your best interest to return anyone from this tier's phone calls. Please.

1001 or more photo tags - Matt Damon.

Fair Sailing

This weekend I'll be taking to open water once again on my father's catamaran. Failing a concussion by support beam, drowning, or heat stroke, I will give you a full report on gentleman sailing habits in the 21st century on Monday.

But first, a series of tips on getting the most out of your state's fair:

* Do not get the turkey leg. This isn't a Renaissance Festival and the workers won't put the same effort into its preparation. As an alternative, try anything that ends in "Stick" or "Brisket".

* At the petting area, get your feed from a human, not a coin-operated machine. The machine is likely to give you only 8 pellets, which will be a disappointment to both you and the goat.

* The art exhibit can be an excellent use of time if experienced correctly. Challenge your companions to be the first to find: A coyote, a Disney character, a black man laughing, and anything "pensive". The last one to do so must buy the least expensive painting in the hall and hang it in their doorway.

* Ride the Gravitron. This is the one thrill that doesn't involve bars, straps, or clamps to restrict free and easy movement.

* Carnies will always be sad. Do not dwell.

* Despite what fliers, brochures , and presenters will try to tell you, the cheers and applause of children will not cause a monkey to ride a dog any faster, nor any straighter.

* Go on a Wednesday, use the shuttle, and ride the largest ferris wheel with the woman you love.

Admission

I am not Will Arnett.


Despite what I've told my strangers, colleagues, and even my own live-in girlfriend, I am not actor / producer Will Arnett.

I didn't play Devon Banks on 30 Rock, I wasn't Lou Redwood in Semi-Pro, and I won't be lending my voice to Kit in the new Knight Rider.

The blue eyes aren't just contacts, and the recent goatee isn't simply a ploy to lead the media off the trail. I am not Will Arnett.

I am Will Arnett's twin brother.


I'm sorry to all the people I've lied to. I've been able to continue my extravagant lifestyle (the fifth home, the recent purchase of the Phoenix Mercury, the live-in girlfriend) only due to the kindness and generosity of my sibling.



I greatly admire his work and only wanted to be closer to my brother and what he does. I'm not sure he even knew I was telling people I was him. My hope is that being honest sooner than later will be better for everyone, and that this revelation will not affect your opinion of Will, myself, or my writing.

I dedicate this post and all posts on the site to my little bro, Will.

Arizona Proposition 102

In a few weeks we're going to be voting on which we fear less: black people or the elderly.

But we're also going to be asked, while we're there in that decrepit middle school gym, to vote on things that sound pretty important, but not important enough to research. These are called "Propositions", and they're put at the bottom of the ballot.

But I wanted to take your attention to proposition 102, an amendment to the Arizona Constitution to make same sex marriage illegal, even if a federal law or court eventually rules otherwise.

Now, this blog is not designed to tell you how to vote (yet), but with all the misleading billboards, attack ads, and and TV spots one of the fundamental issues of this bill has been overshadowed. Whether this is intentional or simply an oversight I'll leave to you, but I think it's important that every Arizonan voter knows the following:

Voting No on Prop 102 makes you gay.


Proponents of this legislation added a clause into the bill which states:
"to vote against a ban on same sex marriage is to imply that the voter (the homovoter) is totally queer and must begin openly gay and gay-like activities immediately."

Know the facts and make an educated vote.

How To Successfully Convince Your Accountant That Buying A Gold Chainsaw Is a Prudent Business Decision

Um, it's made out of fucking gold, okay?

This is an investment, Josh. Gold only goes up in value! When the market collapses, paper money will be rendered useless, and will be burned and and eaten and used by birds to build bird's nests. But not my gold chainsaw, okay? That bad boy's going to pay for itself. In spades.

Also, it's fucking intimidating. I mean, picture this, okay? I walk into the Nakatomi boardroom in front of all the investors, and they're all ready to try to lowball me with liquid assets and stock buyouts, and I just slam my gold chainsaw down on the table right in front of them. Bing bang boom, negotiations finished, thanks to my new gold chainsaw!

Okay, look, you don't get it, Josh. You don't fucking get it! I mean, yeah, okay, you claim that "the gold chainsaw costs one-hundred and thirty thousand dollars", and "gold is such a soft metal, it wouldn't be practical to build a chainsaw out of", and "a chainsaw made out of solid gold would be too heavy to lift up". Well guess what, Josh? I've been doing push-ups all week long in my office, and my delts and lats are fucking ripped, so I think I'm pretty capable of lifting up a chainsaw made of solid gold, okayyy?!

Plus, I mean, just follow me on this, but a gold chainsaw would get you so much pussy.

Also, you could use it to cut down a tree.

Yeah, I did do a few lines of coke tonight. Why?

Horses: Nature's Secret

The above title of this post was recently rejected as a title for this community blog, a motion that has left thousands of Americans demanding answers. Just what are they (the two other people I made this blog with) trying to hide?



This is a recording of an actual conversation I had with Mat ...

MAT: Hey, I'm thinking about making a blog with you and Brian. I just need a good name for a title.
TYLER: Oh, I've got a pretty good one. One that challenges the so called 'truth' established by 'society'.
MAT: I don't know if I like where this is going.
TYLER: Horses: Nature's Secret.
MAT: I don't understand that at all. Why are horses nature's secret?
TYLER: Think about it. Horses eat hay. They have four legs. They're beautiful and nice to pet. They gallop and jump fences. OR SO WE'VE BEEN LEAD TO BELIEVE. Are these merely the parameters the liberal controlled media has established in order to hide the real facts about horses? Are there secrets about horses maybe they don't want us to know?
MAT: I don't think this is a good idea. We'd be -- tapping into something ... something very dangerous.
TYLER: Be the whistle blower, Mat. Be a revolutionary.
MAT: If they found out about what we're doing here, they'd --
TYLER: Wait a minute. You know something! What are the horses hiding, Mat? God dammit, what are horse secrets?!
MAT: I have to go.

It can certainly be assumed that when the general audience of America gets their hands on horse secrets, they'll have a hay day.

Top Hats

This may be remedial for some of our readers (when said readership begins to form) but beginning with the basics seemed like the best way to ease into the unfamiliar writing territory of advice.

Wear top hats.



I know. Next I'll be telling you to brush regularly and be wary of expired foodstuffs. But the closer I look at coworkers, family, and members of our political system the more I realize that people no longer wear their top hats on a regular basis. And this isn't just the unsavory element of our society, even athletes and vagrants aren't immune to the apathy enveloping this nation. And don't get me started with those detestable bowler hats, gentlemen it's not a matter of taste, it's a matter of pride in your humanity. It's like we've forgotten why we began wearing them in the first place.

It's a simple thing you can do, especially in times of dire economic crisis, to brighten up your day and the day of those around you. Don't feel that you need to don a beaver-skinned top hat to please some elitist fashionista, leather or felt are just as acceptable and frankly more durable. The effect of the hat is ruined if it's wearer is constantly concerned for it's well-being.

For example, soon I will be celebrating (along with a good friend and collegiate peer) our collective birthdays, and I've convinced all our partygoers to wear only the most inexpensive, utilitarian top hats in order to create an equal event, inclusive to those of all means. Monocles optional. And see? All the pomp and stuffiness unfairly associated with the top hat has been fully addressed.

Don't let another vestage of Our America fall by the wayside. Wear top hats today and everyday.

Resuming normal service.

Apologies for the delay.