Fair Sailing

This weekend I'll be taking to open water once again on my father's catamaran. Failing a concussion by support beam, drowning, or heat stroke, I will give you a full report on gentleman sailing habits in the 21st century on Monday.

But first, a series of tips on getting the most out of your state's fair:

* Do not get the turkey leg. This isn't a Renaissance Festival and the workers won't put the same effort into its preparation. As an alternative, try anything that ends in "Stick" or "Brisket".

* At the petting area, get your feed from a human, not a coin-operated machine. The machine is likely to give you only 8 pellets, which will be a disappointment to both you and the goat.

* The art exhibit can be an excellent use of time if experienced correctly. Challenge your companions to be the first to find: A coyote, a Disney character, a black man laughing, and anything "pensive". The last one to do so must buy the least expensive painting in the hall and hang it in their doorway.

* Ride the Gravitron. This is the one thrill that doesn't involve bars, straps, or clamps to restrict free and easy movement.

* Carnies will always be sad. Do not dwell.

* Despite what fliers, brochures , and presenters will try to tell you, the cheers and applause of children will not cause a monkey to ride a dog any faster, nor any straighter.

* Go on a Wednesday, use the shuttle, and ride the largest ferris wheel with the woman you love.